Why Does He Do That?

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Audible – Unabridged ridged
Author: Lundy Bancroft ID: B0058R8AP2

He says he loves you. So…why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about: The early warning signsTen abusive personality types The role of drugs and alcohol What you can fix, and what you can’t How to get out of a relationship safely
Done.
Audible Audio EditionListening Length: 13 hours and 35 minutesProgram Type: AudiobookVersion: UnabridgedPublisher: Tantor AudioAudible.com Release Date: June 30, 2011Whispersync for Voice: ReadyLanguage: EnglishID: B0058R8AP2 Best Sellers Rank: #15 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Abuse > Partner Abuse #53 in Books > Self-Help > Abuse #129 in Books > Audible Audiobooks > Health, Mind & Body > Family & Relationships
This book is by far the best I’ve read on angry and controlling men, and how to deal with them. Controlling and abusive behavior can be quite confusing as well as infuriating, as abusers tend to use a large repertoire of manipulative tactics such as lying, projection, blackmail, denying being angry, and putting on a "Mr. Wonderful" act to the outside world, etc. "Why Does He Do That" is exceptionally well written, carefully explaining among other things: nine types of abusers; tactics abusive men use to manipulate their partners; early warning signs of abusive relationships; myths about abusers (such as the one that alcohol consumption causes abuse); the legal system and mental health professionals; the effect of abuse on boys and girls; how some families and certain aspects of society grooms boys to be future abusers; and how to help abused women. Bancroft even describes what to look for in men’s groups for abusers and how to tell if the abuser is changing for real or is just pretending to change.

Prior to writing this book, Lundy Bancroft had been in the trenches for 15 years as a counselor in an abusive men’s program. As a seasoned veteran of dealing with manipulative abusive individuals, Bancroft does an outstanding job of alerting the reader to their tactics and debunking common B.S. claims they make. His stories about his clients and the clients of colleagues are fascinating and provide poignant lessons for the reader. One woman had been in couple’s counseling for 6 months with her husband and finally revealed that he was abusing her. Appearing on the verge of tears, the husband told the therapist that he had been in denial about his violence and hadn’t been facing how badly it was hurting his wife.
I wondered "why do I CARE why he does it? It’s wrong and I deserve better!" But even though my inner voice told me that, I could never really pinpoint the exact ways my husband mistreated me. He was a good man, and he truly believed he had the right to verbally beat me down the way he did. And I thought maybe he was right. He was more educated than I am, he made more money, his family had money. This book helped me give it a name, showed me that I’m not crazy and indeed have rights. It showed, with clear illustrations about other abusive men, that there are a myriad of tactics they use and anger is not their main issue. Control and being the authority on all subjects is their main objective. Being the one in charge, being the one to look good and feel good is their main goal. All the things he said to me to discredit me, to twist counseling around to fit his picture of what was "really" happening, how everything was perfect between us until I just ripped the rug out from under him and left for no reason… these are all CLASSIC tactics of an abuser, both during the relationship and after she leaves.
My counselor recommended it and finally, after lots of procrastination, I finally got it. And it makes me realize how strong I was to leave, and how lucky I was to get away. The emotional/psychological games, how I had to keep my opinions hidden and my feelings a secret just to be the fantasy girl he insisted that I be, the way he would just disregard my opinion about this and still does… it can make a girl feel so isolated, so bad about herself, and deep down…crazy! But this book showed me that not only am I NOT crazy, but that being imperfect is no reason to allow someone to do that to me. We’re all imperfect, but we still all deserve better than this.
When most women ask "why does he do that," they are searching for an answer that will help them to make an abusive relationship better. This book makes it very clear that the answer to the question has nothing to do with the abusive man’s partner, and everything to do with a sick and destructive need for complete control over another human being.
I have read a number of books about abuse and control, and many of them are very good at deconstructing the dynamic between a controller and his victim. The difference for me is that many of those books have been by women who treat victims. This is a book by a man who has worked with batterers. I am not disparaging the work of women (and men) who work with victims–I was once one of them. What I am saying is that, as I read this, I felt a deep sense of validation, that the "other side" of the story, which many books get at through stories with victims, isn’t something imagined or theorized. Controllers do know what they are doing. They understand that it hurts. They don’t want to change. And I and other victims cannot change them. An outline of the specifics of abusive and controlling men makes it very clear that the "circle of influence" for women does not extend to the abuser. It may sound cliche to say you must save yourself, but after reading the many facets of abuse and the way they surface, a victim will understand will great clarity that her precious energy must be used to care for herself and her children. And pulling back that energy, for me, has been a critical step in surviving.
And for going through the family court system, if that is what a woman chooses to do.
Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry Amazon com Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Audible Audio Edition Lundy Bancroft Peter Berkrot Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry and Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Lundy Bancroft MP3 CD Audiobook MP3 Audio Unabridged Please retry CDN Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry Buy Why Does He Do That Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft Peter Berkrot ISBN 9781452603445 from Amazon s Book Store

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